Succumbing to My Own Feelings

I am trying this as a suggestion of a dear friend. I journal a lot - and every once in while I share it with people when it's something I want them to know, or when I think  something I'm going through might relate to their life as well. This friend in particular suggested other people might connect to what I have to say. Most of my journaling is done when I'm having a hard time or when I'm elated. I've never considered myself much of a writer, but if something I write resonates with someone else then it is worth sharing. So, here we go. 

I've been kind of angry lately. My mom has told me since I can remember, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" (I'm pretty sure it's a line from Bambie). It is, I found the video.

So, that is what I have stuck to. The times I have strayed from it, I have regretted it a great deal. Sometimes it's appropriate and necessary to communicate when you feel you have been wronged, but you can always be kind.


"Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible." - Dalai Lama


I have also found that sometimes in order to be kind you need to do a little internal processing first. If you're pointing fingers it is probaby not going to be very well received. I've been blaming someone for my recent upset. I think sometimes that is easier until I'm ready to swallow my pride and see through the surface into what's really bothering me. Well, I have finally succumbed to my own feelings - and suddenly it's not necessary or appropriate to communicate my feelings with the someone who I've been mad at. Since my semi-recent breakup I have been kind of lonely. Someone fixed that for me momentarily, and then when they chose not to continue to be a part of my life it was easier to be mad than to look inward.
 
I did my usual process. I wrote them a letter that I would never in my life share with them. I read that letter over and over and over again until it was essentially memorized. Then, when I couldn't stand it anymore, I processed. And suddenly, I wasn't angry anymore. I didn't really know what to feel. So I journaled, and I learned a few things. 

"...I guess I just like having someone to share things with. And having someone who wants to share things with me. Someone to tell about my day and hear about theirs, to cook with, to laugh with, to kiss, feel, learn, live. I understand again why someone would want a lifetime partner. I guess in a sense I'm regaining my belief in marriage. I'm learning the value of having someone to share with, because honestly it has never been much of a problem for me before. I've never had to be lonely for very long. And I've never been okay everywhere else in my life to sit down and realize I'm lonely when I have been. I always had my eating disorder to keep me company, or school, or problems elsewhere. So what now? Do I just learn to live in the loneliness? Do I embrace it? Do I recall what Nancy told us? (Nancy is one of my all time favorite yoga teachers - she's brilliant) That lonely is only something you imagine. We are never alone. We are all connected to the source, whatever that is for you. Maybe I should start talking to the source. As much as I don't want to need a relationship with "God" maybe it isn't such a bad idea. I will not go to church. I don't believe that I need to go to church to solve loneliness. I do need to do something differently though. Maybe I will just start talking to Him. I can't believe I just wrote and capitalized that. Scratch that. I like talking to myself.  I like journaling. It's gotten me this far. I love this space. This space where it's just me and myself and no one else is listening. But I am listening to myself, and that is everything. You know - it wasn't enough with my eating disorder. I wasn't getting anywhere. But, I've come so far since then. I need to remember though that if my problems become stagnant it may be time to seek help outside of myself. Like Nancy said, I'm not alone. I just might have to seek out the source a little. And the source can be whatever I need it to be. A therapist, friend, parent, sister, dog, yoga. Another energy. Just something other than myself."

I never really came to a conclusion, and I still haven't. Because I don't know what to do - and I'm kind of okay with that right now. I guess since I have never been by myself for an extended period of time, now that I realize that is what is upsetting me, I kind of want to experience it. Now that I know what I'm feeling, it doesn't feel so bad. So maybe that is my answer. I'm going to experience what it's like to be "lonely," and maybe eventually I'll remove the label and it will just be another peaceful place for me.