Becoming Whole
I'm going to try to piece together the events of the past week because naturally, I think they're interconnected leading me to my newest realization. Stay with me if you can...
Monday:
I'm at my CrossFit box doing the morning daycare, playing with Reagan, and this beautiful human pops his beautiful head through the door and waves. I don't think much of it. There are lots of beautiful humans at CrossFit gyms.
I am getting ready to lift and the beautiful human is chatting it up with another gym member so I eavesdrop. He's on a road trip coming from Seattle. This gets me excited so I pipe in, "What part of Seattle? I was born there and have family there!" We exchange a few sentences and then we all go to our respective lifting platforms.
About halfway through lifting I decide it's necessary I give this stranger my phone number. He's passing through, leaving before I am (for medical school in the fall), and the worst that can happen is either a. he doesn't call, or b. we go out and have no connection so I leave and never see him again.
I run (not joking - run) to the office and scribble down my phone number on a sticky note. Then I oh so casually walk back in and set it down on my lifting folder and make sure to keep an eye on my new stranger-friend so he doesn't leave.
At the end of the hour he wanders into the other room. I grab my sticky note and quickly follow him.
Inner dialog: He has no idea I am following him. Oh God, this is awkward. I can't remember his name. Just start talking loudly:
"Hey!"
He turns around.
"I don't know what you're doing later, but if you want to go out here's my number." I hand him the sticky note, begin to turn around, not expecting much of a reply.
"Yeah, that would be cool. Maybe we can grab dinner later. I'll give you a call!"
"That would be awesome!" Awkwardly run/walk back to the other room and proclaim success.
I think it's over. I'm proud of myself. I've never given anyone my phone number.
Then he walks back in. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. He's going to talk to me.
"So, I'll call you later! We can figure something out."
I look up at him (Make eye contact, Danielle!), "Okay, sounds.... (hyperventilating) goo. Good! Sounds good." Embarrassingly laugh at myself.
He did call. We didn't go out. He had to leave early on his road trip for one reason or another. I only believe this explanation because he continued to chat with me over the next couple days - which is another strange happening in itself.
Someone later pointed out that I totally pulled a "call me maybe" on this fortunate fellow. Maybe Carly Rae Jepsen is onto something.
Later I am reflecting on this incidence. Am I not trying to learn to live alone right now? Why did I have to give this guy my phone number? Uh, because why the hell not - that's why. I excuse myself, because "it's not like I was looking for a relationship - just one date."
Wednesday:
I am looking for a yoga class to go to, and to my pleasant surprise Nancy is subbing that night at 9:30 p.m. Nancy is essentially taking the role of my spiritual leader these days.
We begin our sun A series and she has us hold our backbend. She tells us to lift our heart up, open it, and look at it. Look inside our chests and see our hearts. I visualize this and find a very vivid picture - and a sad one at that. My heart looks worn. The muscle tissues are torn and weak. I am saddened. All this time I thought my heart was doing well. I love myself, right? At least I say I do.
We learn that there is a lot of change going on in the universe right now. Maybe we are resisting it, and this is causing us pain. Invite the change. Let it into our hearts.
I instantly think of how I have this new goal of finding peace in being alone. I didn't think I was resisting it, but come to think of it, was asking this guy out so boldly an attempt to not feel lonely for just one evening? Did I feel so strongly about giving him my phone number because I am that uncomfortable being alone?
With my heart open, I consider that all of my adolescent and adult life maybe I have needed someone because I believe that I am not enough.
In that instant, I decide to change. I apologize to my heart. I decide, "I am enough."
I can already feel my heart start to heal.
The whole class I focus on breathing change into my heart. Maybe the change I am looking for is not to be comfortable "lonely." Maybe the change is learning that I, in fact, am not alone. I am with myself, and that is enough.
In fact, it is more than enough.
For the first time in a LONG time, I am at peace. I don't feel lonely. I don't feel anxious. I feel complete. I love myself.
As I have reflected more, I have begun to think about balance. Did I ask that guy out because it was filling a void, or was it okay that I asked him out? He was tall, dark and handsome. It's not like I was asking someone out I would never be interested in. I actually think if I did it again, I would do the exact same thing. Only this time, I would be less afraid. Less afraid because his answer would not make or break me. It would simply be an invitation to enrich my life rather than a plea to reaffirm my wholeness. I am whole on my own. This doesn't mean I have to constantly prove to myself that I can be alone. I can invite anyone or anything into my life, and anyone or anything can leave my life and:
I will be okay.
Monday:
I'm at my CrossFit box doing the morning daycare, playing with Reagan, and this beautiful human pops his beautiful head through the door and waves. I don't think much of it. There are lots of beautiful humans at CrossFit gyms.
I am getting ready to lift and the beautiful human is chatting it up with another gym member so I eavesdrop. He's on a road trip coming from Seattle. This gets me excited so I pipe in, "What part of Seattle? I was born there and have family there!" We exchange a few sentences and then we all go to our respective lifting platforms.
About halfway through lifting I decide it's necessary I give this stranger my phone number. He's passing through, leaving before I am (for medical school in the fall), and the worst that can happen is either a. he doesn't call, or b. we go out and have no connection so I leave and never see him again.
I run (not joking - run) to the office and scribble down my phone number on a sticky note. Then I oh so casually walk back in and set it down on my lifting folder and make sure to keep an eye on my new stranger-friend so he doesn't leave.
At the end of the hour he wanders into the other room. I grab my sticky note and quickly follow him.
Inner dialog: He has no idea I am following him. Oh God, this is awkward. I can't remember his name. Just start talking loudly:
"Hey!"
He turns around.
"I don't know what you're doing later, but if you want to go out here's my number." I hand him the sticky note, begin to turn around, not expecting much of a reply.
"Yeah, that would be cool. Maybe we can grab dinner later. I'll give you a call!"
"That would be awesome!" Awkwardly run/walk back to the other room and proclaim success.
I think it's over. I'm proud of myself. I've never given anyone my phone number.
Then he walks back in. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. He's going to talk to me.
"So, I'll call you later! We can figure something out."
I look up at him (Make eye contact, Danielle!), "Okay, sounds.... (hyperventilating) goo. Good! Sounds good." Embarrassingly laugh at myself.
Someone later pointed out that I totally pulled a "call me maybe" on this fortunate fellow. Maybe Carly Rae Jepsen is onto something.
Later I am reflecting on this incidence. Am I not trying to learn to live alone right now? Why did I have to give this guy my phone number? Uh, because why the hell not - that's why. I excuse myself, because "it's not like I was looking for a relationship - just one date."
Wednesday:
I am looking for a yoga class to go to, and to my pleasant surprise Nancy is subbing that night at 9:30 p.m. Nancy is essentially taking the role of my spiritual leader these days.
We begin our sun A series and she has us hold our backbend. She tells us to lift our heart up, open it, and look at it. Look inside our chests and see our hearts. I visualize this and find a very vivid picture - and a sad one at that. My heart looks worn. The muscle tissues are torn and weak. I am saddened. All this time I thought my heart was doing well. I love myself, right? At least I say I do.
We learn that there is a lot of change going on in the universe right now. Maybe we are resisting it, and this is causing us pain. Invite the change. Let it into our hearts.
I instantly think of how I have this new goal of finding peace in being alone. I didn't think I was resisting it, but come to think of it, was asking this guy out so boldly an attempt to not feel lonely for just one evening? Did I feel so strongly about giving him my phone number because I am that uncomfortable being alone?
With my heart open, I consider that all of my adolescent and adult life maybe I have needed someone because I believe that I am not enough.
In that instant, I decide to change. I apologize to my heart. I decide, "I am enough."
I can already feel my heart start to heal.
The whole class I focus on breathing change into my heart. Maybe the change I am looking for is not to be comfortable "lonely." Maybe the change is learning that I, in fact, am not alone. I am with myself, and that is enough.
In fact, it is more than enough.
For the first time in a LONG time, I am at peace. I don't feel lonely. I don't feel anxious. I feel complete. I love myself.
As I have reflected more, I have begun to think about balance. Did I ask that guy out because it was filling a void, or was it okay that I asked him out? He was tall, dark and handsome. It's not like I was asking someone out I would never be interested in. I actually think if I did it again, I would do the exact same thing. Only this time, I would be less afraid. Less afraid because his answer would not make or break me. It would simply be an invitation to enrich my life rather than a plea to reaffirm my wholeness. I am whole on my own. This doesn't mean I have to constantly prove to myself that I can be alone. I can invite anyone or anything into my life, and anyone or anything can leave my life and:
I will be okay.
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