Who I Would Be

I am sort of obsessed with Elizabeth Gilbert. I think we have similar souls (I think a lot of people feel that way about her). I read "Eat, Pray, Love" and "Committed," and I cannot wait for her new book, "The Signature of All Things," coming out in October. I think she's quite brilliant. However, my favorite quote ever from her is not out of one of her books; it is the response to a question someone asked on her Facebook page. They asked what advice she would give her younger self:


"Dearest Younger Liz — I know you believe that romance is the most exciting and important thing on earth, but please lay off the boyfriend drama for a little while, would you? Learn to live alone. Learn to endure the sometimes agonizing unease of your own company—and work your way through that unease. Learn to comfort yourself. Learn to take accountability for yourself. Learn to recognize the difference between where you stop and another person begins. Learn to tell your feelings from someone else's feelings, and your desires from someone else's desires, and your anger from someone else's anger. Stop focusing so much on what you wish HE would be (whoever the "he" of the moment is) and ask yourself what YOU would be, if only you could be brave enough to face life alone. Nothing truly wonderful will come to you until you learn all these things. Also, for the love of all that is good and holy, please learn to floss. Love, Older Liz." 

-Elizabeth Gilbert




I've been reading this quote nearly every day for the past 9 months. In my efforts to learn to live alone this advice has been very guiding. It's sort of like a checklist. Can I do these things yet? Do I know what she's saying? Have I learned to tell my anger from someone else's anger? etc, etc. I inevitably end up testing the waters and returning to the drawing board. The part  that I bolded is currently what has sent me back. 

Stop focusing so much on what you wish HE would be (whoever the "he" of the moment is) and ask yourself what YOU would be...

I have been way too upset about something that recently happened in my pathetic excuse for a dating life (medical school makes dating nearly impossible). I finally realized that it's not the person (or the HE rather) who upset me so much. It's more so the concept that I have this idealized version who I want this other person to be, and when people don't fit my mold I get upset. It's really not fair to anyone involved.

I was giving advice to someone the other day about how the only person you can control is yourself. And even that is up for question much of the time. But what yoga has taught me is that you can nearly always control your breath. This simple task allows you to grab onto something "tangible" in times of uncertainty and feel in control. It allows you to calm the panic flooding your body and focus on something within your reach. It puts space between you and the chaos going on in your life. This space leaves room for processing to occur. Processing, I believe, is largely unconscious. You have to set it in motion, meaning you have to want change to occur, but it's something that you can't speed up or slow down. You have to give your mind the space it needs to sort through things. And then you have to respond. You have to know when you've reached the end of road and take the next turn.

When things don't go as I would like, I need to focus on what "I would be." I need to remember the acceptance that yoga has taught me for the chaotic events in life, of which I often have no control over. What I can control is how I react. I can remember to breath through these moments of uncertainty, and let the rest of the pieces fall where they may.  

I can focus less on who I want him to be, and more on who I want me to be. 


I don't know if this is precisely the lesson Elizabeth Gilbert was implying when she wrote that piece of advice to her younger self, but for now that is my interpretation of it. Maybe the next time I come back to it I will see something entirely different. I think that is the beauty in advice. Your understanding of it grows as your ability to relate grows. 







Comments

  1. Hi Danielle,

    I just discovered your blog, and specifically this post and it couldn't have come at a better time. Hearing your thoughts brings clarity to my situation and reassurance that I am not alone in my struggle. I really enjoyed this reflection (as a plus I, too am a huge Gilbert fan) and look forward to hearing your thoughts on her latest book!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Christina! I am so happy that it resonated with you. You are absolutely not alone :).

      Delete
  2. I too, just found your blog via Juli's PaleOMG. Great post, and resonates with me as well. I'm a year out of an 11-year relationship, and my primary focus is learning how to just sit and breathe through the discomfort of learning who I am under all of the distraction and outward focus on others, and learning to be alone without feeling lost. Hard work! I wish you the best, and you are so not alone in your journey, as I am sure you know. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Agreed! It is hard work. But I think knowing yourself better is definitely worth it. Thanks so much! Wishing you the best as well :).

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

From the Heart

Why I Work Out in My Sports Bra