Saying Goodbye

How do you say goodbye? Seriously.

I'm leaving for medical school in 6 weeks, so this thought has been frequenting my mind. 
In general, I comfort myself with the fact that I will be coming back to Colorado on my breaks. I will see many of the people I say goodbye to again.

This kind of goodbye is not fun, but it doesn't scare me as much as the real kind of goodbye. The goodbye where you say it with meaning: you are, for better or worse, parting ways with this person, being, or thing, and you will never see them again - and you are accepting that.

Really saying goodbye and meaning it is often hard to produce. At least, for me it is. I tend to hang on to things an inappropriate amount of time. Not just goodbyes, but fights, feelings, songs - a lot of different things, and I'm not sure why. I've never felt like I am scared of change, but maybe I am? It seems like a natural human tendency. Once you let go of one thing that you finally understand and know, you must move on to the next and start all over again - at square one.

The particular thing I have held on to, and am trying to say goodbye to, are some very old feelings. I like to think that everyone has that forever person. That person that is in the back of your head for years and years and just because it hasn't worked out yet, you hang onto this thread of hope that when it is meant to happen it will. The two of you will just fall into each others arms and things will finally be in place. Until then, you try and live your life. You meet new people, you fall in love with new people, you live, you learn, you grow. But that one person is always a lingering thought. Maybe not at the forefront of your mind, but they are in there.

I saw The Great Gatsby a few weeks ago. Upon reflection, I discovered what I will take away from that film. Living for something that does not exist, hoping it eventually will, will stop you from living. Your life suddenly carries an enormous amount of drag, and someday you wont be able to pull it anymore. You will no longer be moving forward. And when you do become stagnant, what then? You can continue to live in the dreamworld going on in your head and fight reality, or you can accept reality and decide to LET GO.

You can gather the lessons you have learned from whatever it is that you are releasing, and accept them as a chapter in your life. This thing comprises only one of many chapters, and there will certainly be more to come.

I don't think goodbyes happen all at once, but I do think the act of deciding to say goodbye is sort of like ripping off a band-aid. You just do it. You walk away, and you go on doing your thing until you stumble a little (or a lot). You encounter that space that used to be filled and you pause. You realize that this time, it really isn't there anymore. This is the first stumble of many, and the goodbye starts to sink in for the very first time. You might cry. You might feel pain. It might be easier than you thought. But whatever you feel, this is no doubt the first step in healing.

You keep moving forward, finding your stride again, and maybe you keep stumbling. But you start to stumble less and less. Each time it is less painful.  Until one day you realize that the empty space that was once there has gradually been filled with new life: new strength, new joy, new lessons, new everything. And hopefully you find it in your heart to be grateful. Grateful for the experience and grateful that you found the strength to rip that band-aid off and move forward with your life.

Because, as Hellen Keller so famously said,

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we looks so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."

You stoped staring hopelessly at the closed door, and you found the courage to walk through the new one. And that in itself is something to be grateful for.