Chasing My Dream

"No matter how much I love that sleepy little town, my dreams weren't waiting for me there."

My friend put this as her status today. I can relate to it. I was so in love with the people in my life living in Golden, CO, but there is so much more waiting for me outside of Golden. In Glendale, AZ at DO school at Midwestern University, as it turns out.

Realizing my dreams is thrilling and at the same time terrifying. The amount of time and energy spent on chasing my dream of becoming a doctor is quite substantial relative to how long I've been alive. That means I feel like I'm on cloud nine in la la land, and at the same time like the next step I take could send me crashing onto the pavement if I fail. 

Getting to medical school was fun and exciting. My mom and I made a bit of an adventurous road trip out of it. 

Orientation was incredibly boring, but at same time full of bright eyed 20-somethings (for the most part) just like myself who've been waiting for this day for months! We made it. We're here. 

Then we started class. As information started barreling at me, gradually I realized, "Holy sh*t... I am a medical student... I'm doing this. Am I doing this? Can I do this? How do I do this?"

I realized that medical school is not like undergrad. Though I didn't expect it to be, nothing anyone could have told me would have prepared me for the actual pace of classes, the amount of my time that I will have to dedicate, and the amount of learning that I will have to do. The most common way people describe it is drinking out of a fire hose. The best way I can think to describe it is:

When you're in the ocean and a giant wave is coming. You try to dive through it and it throws you back several tens of feet where you finally find some traction and stand back up. At this point you ask yourself whether or not you want to keep swimming in the waves or get out of the ocean. And trust me, I did ask myself. I had a real serious moment with myself, because if you're going to back out, the time is before you're a quarter million dollars in debt. 

I want to be honest. I thought back to my reason for being here. I thought back to why I want to be a doctor. Remember when I said the first thing I think of is my grandma? Well, I thought of her, and it wasn't doing it for me. I realized that although she is who lit the fire, I've been the one fanning the flames. It takes a lot more heart and desire from deep inside me to get where I am, than the suggestion of my beloved Grandma. I realized she is not my reason for being here. She never was. She is, and only ever can be, my cheerleader. So then I figured, I better write down all the reasons I am here. I got out a pen, and this is what came out: 

"For all the generic reasons. I really do wan't to help people live healthier lives. I think human physiology is INCREDIBLE and love learning about it. I love love love interacting with people and learning about them. I like meeting people from all walks of life and helping them in any way I can, whether it be physical or mental. I want to be my very best. I want to leave as big of a footprint as I can in the most positive way possible when my time here is over. I  feel that the best way for me to make a positive impact on peoples lives, while continuing to fulfill my own, is to become a doctor." 

I read it over and over again, and found myself completely satisfied with that answer. It's not fancy or exciting, or even inspiring really. It's just why I want to be here. And it's enough.  

So, I put my big girl panties on and dug my heels in. I asked several of my peers who have been here before me how in the world to study this much material. I received a lot of helpful feedback, but maybe the most relatable for me was this very simple piece:

"Med school is like CrossFit. Every day you have to grind away and study. Amazing how much you'll learn."

Side note: I also found an awesome CrossFit box at Incendia :)

It may not sound very helpful, but what it said to me was, "It's going to be really hard, but you'll get through it one rep at a time. And when you finish, It will be the most satisfying, elating moment that will make every ounce of sweat and tears worth it."

I also received many tips on study techniques, and this first week has been one big experiment on how to efficiently learn faster. My first exam is tomorrow, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to do just fine. At the very least I will pass. And then they're going to increase our course load and I'll probably feel lost all over again. But for the moment, I have a new bounce in my step. I feel confident that I will adapt. I know I can overcome whatever it is they choose to throw at me. And I know I can revert back to why I am here, and feel quite privileged that someone chose to give me the opportunity to fulfill my dream. I am asking for this. I am begging for this. Make me the best damn doctor I can become. I promise to hold up my end of deal. :)